Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes. — Brian (@BDGarp) April 22, 20112.
WTF is a cup of raw asparagus? Next this fucking diet will tell me to eat 4 stalks of powered sugar. A bale of jello. 32 inches of chicken. — Susan Spiaggia (@LipstickSpice) December 18, 20103.
Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus. — casloppa palooza (@gotmyhairdid) November 29, 20104.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students? — Travis Bowe (@BoweKnows) April 6, 20125.
It's odd how they name storms, but they don't name calms. There's a gentle breeze this morning. I think I'll call him Doug. — Nick Stadler (@Nickadoo) September 12, 20116.
People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become god. — Leviathan Pride (@LeviathanPride) December 19, 20117.
Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together. — Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) April 1, 20128.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles — nice_mustard® (@nice_mustard) September 19, 20129.
Little Red Riding Hood sure took a long time to realize the talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandma. — richmckay (@richmckay) August 20, 201010.
I don't use the car horn much but I will frown harshly at bad drivers and I'm pretty sure it fucks up their day. — Brian (@BDGarp) October 15, 201011.
The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio. — caprice crane (@capricecrane) February 27, 201212.
Wish triscuits would focus less on that basket weave design and more on not tasting like actual basket. — Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) June 11, 201313.
Sometimes I yell at my stepladder, "You're not my real ladder! You can't tell me what to do!" And then I kick it. Feels good. — Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 22, 201214.
I don't know. I feel like a zoo that specialized in morbidly obese animals would be a fun time but I've had a few drinks so I don't know. — Scotty (@MarylandMudflap) April 30, 201315.
They’ve just added ‘no stockpiling paperclips’ to the employee handbook like they knew what I was planning. — ~Sheila~ (@1Happytwit) August 14, 201216.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people. — MJ (@sucittaM) July 11, 201117.
there should be 1 line at every store for people who have their shit together — lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 7, 201218.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE — Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) June 17, 201319.
Management tip: 1) Slam phone down, 2) Grab briefcase, 3) Stomp out while mumbling about "always having to fix things," 4) Sleep in car. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 13, 201120.
There it is again. That feeling that I'm the only one in line who's ever been to an airport before. It's uncanny. — Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) August 6, 201021.
Sometimes therapy is as simple as nodding to the dude next to you stuck in traffic. I feel you brother. — Shane (@shanethevein) August 24, 201122.
An honest driving school would name itself How to Drive When Cops Are Around School. — Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 2, 201223.
I'm still a little pissed we didn't get to keep the tail through the evolutionary process. — The Snark Knight (@Mothpete) November 21, 201124.
What's the handicapped parking situation at the special Olympics? — Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) September 1, 201225.
Whenever I see an adorable service dog and I know I can't pet it, the greatest internal struggle of my life begins anew — Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 2, 201326.
We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night. — Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) December 20, 201127.
Idea! Tiny headphones for pigeons who are self-conscious about their head bopping & want to make it look like they're listening to music. — Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) April 20, 201128.
How do you answer the question "What's new?" without sighing really loudly first? — Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) June 26, 201229.
"Hey Evolution, what the fuck?" - Platypus — Josh Hara (@yoyoha) May 6, 201130.
So I've narrowed it down and I'm either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap. — joseph_ocon (@joseph_ocon) February 23, 201131.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets. — Mark Leggett (@markleggett) August 26, 201132.
Somewhere out there, a neurotic chicken wants to cross the road but is paralyzed by the knowledge that everyone will question his motives — Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) May 31, 201133.
No thanks CVS, I don't need a bag. I'll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me. — Stephanie (@conanobrienswyf) July 13, 201034.
Trying to grab something out of my minivan while the automatic door is closing is the most Indiana Jones-y part of my day. — Josh Hara (@yoyoha) September 30, 201135.
There are some people walking around alive today, simply because I don't want to go to jail tomorrow. — Chopper (@chopper4jk) August 21, 201136.
Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes. — Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) June 2, 201237.
Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked "DO NOT EAT". I assume all new shoes come with snacks. — MJ (@sucittaM) June 13, 201138.
Wearin' aviators tells the world you're a bad mamma jamma who ain't afraid to shin kick a terrorist or smoke a lawn flamingo if need be. — Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) June 30, 201239.
I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE! — MJ (@sucittaM) March 23, 201140.
The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones. — Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 15, 201341.
Subway must have introduced a new Genius feature, because they just suggested I might like a drink with my sandwich. I do. Nailed it. — Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 10, 201142.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all. — Joe Bizness (@theJoeBiz) August 4, 201143.
I bet the best way to disguise your surveillance van is not to use van at all. Like, whoa, who's in that hot air balloon? Probably not cops. — Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) November 23, 201244.
I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!" — Brian Penny (@Versability) September 23, 201145.
The word "fireplace" really reveals the creativity of our ancestors. — Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 9, 201146.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time. — Julia Segal (@juliasegal) September 28, 201047.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious. — Brian Matthews (@repomon) April 13, 201248.
HEY DISNEY: If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why'd it fall off? Yeah, time to do some critical thinking. — Kellen Mannix (@kjmannix316) November 22, 201149.
All I want from life is to be able to respond "crystal" when someone angrily asks me if they've made themselves clear. — Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 8, 201250.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day — ZapMyAss (@zapmyass) August 10, 2012WANT MORE 3V FRIDAY HUMOR? Click and image below: